How You Can Encourage Someone to See a Therapist
without Losing that Relationship

by Carol Campbell, MFT

Who has not had the experience of witnessing a family member, friend, neighbor, acquaintance, or complete stranger say or do something that caused you to think: "This person needs therapy!"? Yet you may have concern that there is nothing you could do that would not cause collateral damage if you tried to offer that suggestion.

Sometimes, however, there are ways you could actually be quite helpful in paving the way for someone else to seek therapy from a licensed professional like a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Imagine that you have just heard your best friend Phoebe screaming next door at her 14-year old, trying to make him get into the car to get to the orthodontist on time. You are bringing in groceries from your own car and can't help but overhear the fuss. Maybe the next time you invite Phoebe in for a cup of coffee, you can see if she brings the incident up. If she does, you can conclude that she feels safe talking with you about a personal and difficult relationship problem. Listen first. Think second. Validate her feelings third. "What a tough moment to be a mom!" or "Dealing with teenagers can be unbelievable frustrating sometimes!"

Then, if Phoebe seems appreciative of your support, gently ask her if she is interested in some thoughts you have had about what you witnessed. If she says yes, then you have your opening for step four, bringing up therapy. "Sometimes I have found that I'm going through a stage in my life when I just can't handle it on my own. That's when I call my therapist. Seeing her makes a huge difference, not just for me, but for everyone in our family. I think you would feel a lot better if you saw a therapist, too."

A very frequent situation I hear about is when a person wants to persuade a spouse to see a therapist. Sometimes the easier path is to invite the spouse to go to couple counseling with you; when someone has the idea that therapy is a scary experience, or a humiliating revelation of flaws, that person may need to ride into therapy on the coattails of a "braver" person. "Honey, I know it seems to you as if I am the one who really needs professional help. Let's not waste time and energy trying to establish ownership of our troubles. I just really need your support. Let's go see a therapist together."

Another line of thinking that can be helpful is to remind the person that going to see a therapist when you have relationship problems is a sign of both common sense and strength. If your roof starts leaking after a big storm, you probably don't spend a lot of time berating yourself for not being able to re-roof your house by yourself. If your car's engine needs a tune-up, you probably won't feel ashamed or guilty for paying good money to get a professional to do the job. It is impossible to see yourself as another person sees you, and a therapist can provide that service to help you feel better. Whether it is a roof, a car, or a marriage, it makes sense to bring in a professional at the appropriate time.

I encourage patients who are terminating their therapy with me to take an extra business card from my office, and to have it where they can find it for the day that will probably come, when they have an opportunity to pass it along to another person in need of therapy. (I do not work with friends of current patients.) For the person who is in need of therapy but unfamiliar with how to go about setting it up, receiving a business card of a respected Marriage and Family Therapist from someone they trust can feel tremendously encouraging. Supporting someone else to think about getting therapy is like spreading sunshine in a world needing lots more light. Let's all do that!

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Calls regarding appointments are welcome at my private voicemail: 650-325-2576.

Carol L. Campbell, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing psychotherapy and psychoanalysis for individual adults and couples in Palo Alto, California. She has degrees from Brown University and Santa Clara University and has been licensed since 1991. Carol is a graduate of the Palo Alto Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Training Program sponsored at Stanford by the San Francisco Center for Psychoanalysis and was a candidate at the Psychoanalytic Institute of Northern California in San Francisco from 2010-2011. She is also a clinical member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the Northern California Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology.